Championship Wrestling From Hollywood “The Red Carpet Rumble” Review

I’m back with more reviews of Championship Wrestling From Hollywood episodes. This time I take a look at their “Red Carpet Rumble” special, which was broken up into three episodes. I’m too tired to write an intro for this shit. I just reviewed three fucking episodes of this fucking show and I need a goddamn blunt right now.

Part 1: Episode 271

The Red Carpet Rumble special starts off backstage with Toasterdork Grant YELLING AT THE PEOPLE AT HOME interviewing the Friendship Express. They talked, and Toasterdork Grant YELLED MORE. After this, we get a new intro with a song by Angelo Trinidad. I gotta say, the unique opening for this show was a good touch, and the song sounded decent. A little too much of an auto-tune sound for my taste, but it was better than whatever generic stock music or no name shit-metal band’s song other companies use. The only indy wrestling song that was ever cool was the original CZW theme song. LAYIN’ THE LAW! ONCE AGAIN! PREPARE FOR WAR! CZW!

United Wrestling Network Heritage Tag Team Championship Match: The Friendship Express (The Hobo & Jervis Cottonbelly) (c0 vs. The Classic Connection (Buddy Royal & Levi Shapiro) vs. Los Primos Rivera (Danny Limelight & Gino Rivera) vs. The Pac 3 (Dicky Mayer & Dan Joseph w/ Troy McGuire & Coach Flexo)

Four of the worst acts in Championship Wrestling From Hollywood in one match. Ugh. This started out with everyone beating up the Friendship Express. Hobo got worked over by everyone while Jervis Cottonbelly was stuck on the outside, then eventually he did the babyface fire hot tag spot. The heels ended up fighting each other, allowing the Douchechill Express to get the win after Jervis hit a double stomp off the top rope. Nobody in the match really stood out or did anything worth really caring about. There wasn’t any real story in this aside from the heels having a shitty game plan. Zero fucks given about this match.

Post match shenanigans: the Puerto Ricans shook hands with the Douchechill Express, and Jervis danced around like a jackass. Less than zero fucks given about this. Backstage, Toasterdork yelled as Vermin were drawing their entry numbers into the Red Carpet Rumble. Everyone was happy with theirs except for Tito. Ryan Taylor was funny in this. Fuck Toasterdork Grant though, I’m sick of his yelling. Fuck him. Here’s a random cartoon of the late, great Patrice O’Neal talking about some creepy dude wanting to engage in weird shit at 3 in the morning.

Julius Coleman vs. Eric Watts (w/ Ty Matthews)

Fucking Watts was dressed in lame Star Wars shit. Ugh. Fuck Star Wars. Anyways, Coleman attacked Watts early on till Watts did a comeback. These guys did shit. Honestly, I hate reviewing these matches. They’re always the same shit. Dude took control, other dude made a comeback, boring ass control segment, short sequence where things are even, followed by the winner hitting his finisher to get the win. Watts won. No fucks given.

Backstage Toasterdork Grant talks too loudly and interviews Scorpio Sky. Sky cut a pretty good promo and came off really well in this.

Hollywood Heritage Championship Match: Peter Avalon (c) vs. Scorpio Sky

This had a good “big match” feel to it with the way Sky and Avalon both presented themselves inside the ring. Both guys had a nice chain wrestling sequence to open the match, and Sky would work over Peter with some leg kicks. They also played off Sky knocking out Peter a few episodes back early on by having Sky looking for a knockout on Peter. There was a cool spot where Peter went for a tope suicida on Sky, but Sky caught Peter with an elbow mid-dive. Sky kept throwing heavy strikes at Peter, and Peter would keep fighting back. Both guys got a good amount of offense in on each other, and had a really fun set of sequences in the final minutes of the match. Peter Avalon got the win after hitting Sky with a Double Knee face buster after hitting Sky with a superkick. This was a really fun match. I’d really like to see these guys have one more match with each other.

Episode 272

Tito Escondido vs. Alexander Hammerstone

This started out heated with both guys exchanging strikes and shit, with Hammerstone eventually hitting a nice belly-to-belly suplex on Tito, followed up by Tito hitting a standing rana sending Hammerstone to the outside, and Tito followed up with a tope suicida. Tito also hit a spinebuster on the ring apron as well when the match was on the outside. Tito would control the match until Hammerstone made an eventual comeback. The fake crowd noise meant to add heat to the match was taking away from it at this point. Tito hit a sick Dragon Suplex on Hammerstone, and looked to follow it up with a 450 Splash off the top rope. Hammerstone would move out of the way, and Tito would land on his feet and would eventually hit Blue Thunder Bomb on Hammerstone. One of the stupid ass commentators said it looked like Tito was going for a shooting star press, which made it obvious that these fuckers don’t know shit about wrestling. C’mon Dave, hire some people who know their shit instead of these wannabe TV dorks.

Alexander Hammerstone would get the win by hitting Tito with a Suplex into a Uranage. This was pretty good, but not exactly the type of match two guys in a feud should be having though as it was short and didn’t really do much to advance their storyline, nor did it give it a good conclusion. Who knows if the story will continue now, but this was still good.

Drew Gulak vs. Timothy Thatcher

This was, although pointless, a really good five minute match that mostly featured technical wrestling. I’m really not going t write much about this, as everything would be redundant. This was full of good mat and chain wrestling. Gulak got the win after hitting a Drop Shoulder Throw variation into a pinning cradle. These two guys had a great match at PWG’s Lemmy should get MOTY consideration in SoCal, but this match was nowhere near as good seeing as the match only went five minutes. After the match, both guys shook hands and showed each other RESPKT.

Ashley Grace vs. Ruby Raze

So after being mentioned on TV once, and then not mentioned again for months, Ruby Raze finally makes her onscreen debut to face Ashley Grace. Raze threw Ashley around, and Ashley went for quick offense. Ashley Grace’s selling was pretty good in this, and Raze did a really good job at playing the monster heel.Raze got the win after hitting a belly-to-back suplex followed by a spear on Ashley to get the win. This was alright. It established Raze very well. Ashley Grace’s selling was also really good in this.

Joey Ryan vs. Willie Mack

This was originally supposedly to be Joey Ryan vs. that Bull James from who use to be in NXT, but he wasn’t at the show I guess. The fans gave Willie a huge ovation for his return and a nice “welcome back” chant. Once the match started, the fake crowd noise made its return and sounded awful in contrast to the real crowd noise. ENOUGH OF THAT SHIT DAVE! Joey slowly worked over Willie with stomps, kicks, did CROWD WORK, and other basic heel bullshit to try and put heat on Willie. Both guys hit their signature spots, with Joey doing the baseball sliding suplex thing he does, and Willie hitting the Samoan Drop/Standing Moonsault combo cleanly. Joey went for a superkick during the match, but Willie caught it and countered with an Exploder Suplex. The commentator called it a “Trap Suplex” though. The bad baseball puns for Joey’s “walkoff” superkick were awful too. Fuck the Angels. Willie got the win after hitting an Art Barr-style Frog Splash. Not the most exciting match in the world, but this was entertaining.

Fuck these commentators though, they’re fucking awful. Art Donovan would be better than these fucks.

United Wrestling Network Television Championship Match – Title vs. Career – Tyler Bateman (c) vs. James Morgan

Eh, this was what it was. James Morgan brought a baseball bat to the ring and made a bunch of stupid faces during his entrance. He was trying to look tough, but instead looked like he needed to take a shit. This match started off with both guys brawling outside the ring to start set to the sounds of fans chanting “Let’s Go Morgan” clashing with the sounds of fake crowd noise being played over the PA. After brawling outside of the ring for awhile, James Morgan controlled the match for a bit with the worst offense ever. This match was mostly punches, chokes, stomps, and dudes biting each other. James Morgan eventually used the baseball bat. Tyler Bateman brought in a trash can, but Morgan used his baseball bat to hit it, sending into Bateman’s face causing him to bleed. Morgan worked over the cut with shitty looking bunches and tried to choke Bateman out with the bat. James Morgan hit Bateman with a Frankensteiner and was in control for awhile, but then Bateman made a comeback. James Morgan had some near falls, but eventually Tyler Bateman hit Morgan with several hammerfist punches to get the win. James Morgan’s career is over. The match itself was pretty boring. Tyler Bateman had a good performance in this.

Since James Morgan is retired, I shall retire from writing about him. Not because he’s retired, but because I was tired of writing about his matches. Good show, old chap. Enjoy your post-wrestling life. You might’ve been shitty, but hey, you tried at least. Right? Oh well, either way the wrestling world will never be the same now. Here is my gift to you.

Episode 273

So this was in the actual description of this episode on FITE TV:

After teaching his friend Mike Vega to say SMACKDOWN in Russian, “The SuperTsar” Sasha Darevko will be looking to smack down Yuma in singles competition.
Fresh off his appearance on RAW, Jorel Nelson will compete against Manny Castillo

Hilarious that this program is acknowledging that their guys are jobbers in the WWE. Makes this program look really bush league. Even more hilarious and bush league is the fact that the entire description of the episode was for another one, and not this one on the FITE TV app. Good work, guys! Anyways, onto the match.

The Red Carpet Rumble

Order of entry – 1: Sasha Darevko (w/ fake-Russian Lou Diamond Philips), 2: Julius Coleman 3: Willie Mack, 4: Pac 3 (Troy McGuire/Coach Flexo/Dan Joseph/DickyMayer), 5: Levi Shapiro, 6: Tito Escondido, 7: Eric Cross, 8: Greg Sharp, 9: Gino Rivera, 10: JR Kratos, 11: Buddy Royal, 12: Nick Madrid, 13: Damien Smith, 14: Johnny Yuma, 15: Fake-Russian Lou Diamand Philips (aka Komrad), 16: DJ Hyde, 17: Jorel Nelson, 18: Suede Thompson, 19: Espiritu, 20: Big Duke, 21: Joey Ryan, 22: Alexander Hammerstone, 23: Jarek 1:20, 24: Kevin Martenson, 25: Brody King, 26: Danny Limelight, 27: Timothy Thatcher, 28: Drew Gulak, 29: Ryan Taylor, 30: Devin Sparks

Order of eliminations – 1: Sasha Darevko, 2: Levi Shapiro, 3: Julius Coleman, 4: Greg Sharp, 5: Buddy Royal, 6: Gino Rivera, 7: Nick Madrid, 8: Damien Smith, 9: Fake-Russian Lou Diamand Philips (aka Komrad), 10: Eric Cross, 11: DJ Hyde, 12: Pac 3 (Coach Flexo, Dan Joseph, Dicky Mayer, and Troy McGuire), 13: Jorel Nelson, 14: Suede Thompson, 15: Espiritu, 16: Alexander Hammerstone, 17: Willie Mack, 18: Brody King, 19: JR Kratos, 20: Jarek 1:20, 21: Devin Sparks, 22: Danny Limelight, 23: Big Duke, 24: Drew Gulak, 25: Timothy Thatcher, 26: Joey Ryan, 27: Kevin Martenson, 28: Ryan Taylor, 29: Johnny Yuma. Winner: Tito Escondido.

If you don’t know what a Red Carpet Rumble match, it’s basically a Royal Rumble match with the winner getting a title shot at CWFH’s anniversary show. This started out with the fake-Russian douche Vega Darevko and Julius Coleman going at it. The fake crowd noise was really bad during their heatless segment, and became noticeably worse when the fans made actual noise. That shit needs to stop.

So this had antics with the heels and babyfaces. The Pac 3 did shenanigans involving substitutions. Shit was fucking stupid. Mayer and Joseph kept switching in and out, and the referees had no control over them. The whistle blowing was annoying as fuck too. Gino “Seville Alvarez” Rivera was so terrible when he tried to work a takedown into shitty looking ground and pound. He’s the fucking worst There was a good callback to the Tito/Kratos feud when Kratos entered the ring, and they had a fun little exchange. He also tossed Greg Sharp on his head. It was awesome. Nick Madrid made his return, and I guess he was a member of Vermin. He came out to the music and acted like he was cool with Tito, but eventually Tito and Yuma eliminated him.

The fake-Russian Lou Diamond Philips guy is named Komrad I guess. He got eliminated in less than a minute by everyone who was in the ring. People tried to sell DJ Hyde as a monster when he entered the match. which was extremely laughable. I mean Jesus Fucking Christ on a Christmas Cross, he was literally buried by Zandig in his parents’ backyard at a show! For fuck’s sake, THE DEEJ WAS THE MOST DOMINANT WRESTLER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MATCH AND WAS BEATING EVERYONE UP! Big Duke entered and had a one on one showdown with the DEEJ that got no heat from the fans. Mostly because nobody gives a fuck about the DEEJ except for the DEEJ.

Hammerstone and Tito had an interaction to continue their beef. There was a moment where Brody King, JR Kratos, Willie Mack, and Alexander Hammerstone having a face off in the ring, allowing Tito to eliminate Hammerstone while he was distracted.

The match would eventually become a bunch of babyfaces going at it with Vermin, and Vermin going after Big Duke, Drew Gulak, and Timothy Thatcher, and eventually became a 5 on 2 with Gulak and Thatcher trying to fight off Vermin, and eventually the match became Timothy Thatcher against Vermin. After Thatcher’s elimination, Vermin ended up turning on each other. When it looked as if the stable was about to unite, Joey Ryan super kicked Yuma and everyone began fighting. Yuma and Martenson started working together and hit some double team spots until Martenson was eliminated by Ryan Taylor. After Ryan Taylor was eliminated, the match turned into a standard singles match with Yuma vs. Tito with pinfalls and submissions being in play.

For some reason, it seemed like the show was trying to make Yuma a babyface, but the crowd was behind Tito. Ryan Taylor was on the outside during the singles encounter between Tito and Yuma. Tito hit a nice Blue Thunder Driver to counter a bulldog attempt by Yuma. Ryan Taylor would get up, grab Yuma’s pipe and had to be held back by referees when he tried to interfere. Kevin Martenson came out and started attacking Ryan Taylor, and they brawled to the back. Yuma grabbed the pipe, but put it down allowing Tito to pick it up and hit him with it for the win.

Final Thoughts

These episodes were alright wrestling wise. Sky/Avalon was good, and episode 272’s undercard was very solid. The Red Carpet Rumble match was pretty boring at first, but the final moments with Vermin controlling the match and then falling apart was great. Championship Wrestling From Hollywood made the right move by putting over Tito in the match. Hopefully they push him far and use him right, as he’s got potential to be the biggest star that show can produce. Fuck the commentators though, they’re fucking awful and need to go. That’s all I got. I’m tired.

About the Author

Andrew
Functioning Savage. Friend of a local coyote.

1 Comment on "Championship Wrestling From Hollywood “The Red Carpet Rumble” Review"

  1. how DARE you insult Jervis Cottonbelly, ya jaybone

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