So “Coastline Clash” fucking sucked. Not surprising since nearly anything done by CWFH pretty much always fucking sucks. I’m sure this show will suck too. Let’s get on with this abomination of a promotion.
We start the show off with Toasterdork Grant annoyingly YELLING AT THE AUDIENCE. He interviews JR Kratos. Kratos cuts a good, simple promo to hype his match against Yuma.
Dan Joseph (w/ the Pac 3) vs. Mike Camden
The Generic Babyface, one-time SCU columnist, and my #1 fan, Mike Camden seems to have new, generic stock music as his entrance theme, but is still the same generic guy who could be doing more. Maybe he can have a gimmick based on the show “7th Heaven” where he’s Reverend Camden’s fucked up son who he disowned after he ran away from home and was never mentioned again. Mike would refer to the Camden family without mentioning them directly by name. He can talk about how much of a bitch his brother Matt is, how being the son of a preacher was shitty, what it’s like to have a sibling who killed a kid, and all sorts of shit. Honestly, it’s better than him just being just some dude who loses matches to guys with shitty gimmicks.
The Pac 3 gimmick is really stupid. Like, they’re trying to do a gimmick where they’re a bunch of college football dorks with some coach dork who has one of his guys try to sub in during the match. It was fucking stupid, just like their gimmick. Camden did some ok looking White Boy Lucha before Dan Joseph took over on offense. The coach for the Pac 3 threw in a penalty flag in this match, and kept harping about “remember the loop” at one point of the match. That shit was fucking stupid. Camden eventually hit some comeback offense, and tried to show some BABYFACE FIRE before a bunch of shenanigans broke out, leading to Dan Joseph getting the win. Camden performed well in this despite some sloppy moments. He looked more polished and had better ring presence than Joseph. This match was ok when Camden was doing shit, so it wasn’t completely bad, but the Pac 3’s antics made this shit hard to watch at some points. Still, I can’t shit on this completely because Camden brought something entertaining to the table here.
Post match shenanigans: Toasterdork Grant is in the ring with the Pac 3. He’s more tolerable here as he’s not yelling like a moron. Then again, his obnoxiousness is probably being cancelled out by the Pac 3’s obnoxiousness. The coach guy rambles on and on as the show goes to commercial. After commercial, he’s still rambling. Danny Limelight, who is a heel in this company, comes out and ends up in a match with Dicky Mayer. So I guess Danny is a babyface or some shit now? Eh, who gives a fuck.
Dicky Mayer (w/ Pac 3) vs. Danny Limelight
I’m not calling Limelight by his Marquez Slave Name. This match was better than the previous match. Danny Limelight got the crowd into his offense and was pretty exciting. He hit a nice looking variation of an O-Goshi into a Kesa-gatame/scarf hold and looking for a short straight armbar after Mayer charged at him. See guys, you don’t need to be doing corkscrew flips to do cool shit in pro wrestling. Simple shit from grappling arts like Judo or (freestyle/Greco-Roman/catch/whatever else style) wrestling are perfect for professional wrestling, and with the amount of people training in BJJ and other forms of grappling, it’d go a long ass way in not making wrestling look fucking embarrassing to watch.
Back to the match, this was a good match. Mayer seems decent and worked a good match with a lot of basic shit without it being boring, and Limelight had some exciting offense that the crowd was into. Outside of the annoying ass antics of the Pac 3, this was a lot of fun. At one point, Mayer hit a Michinoku Driver and the commentators had no idea what the name of the move was. Embarrassing. The match ends with antics involving the Pac 3 and Mayer getting the win. Again, the Pac 3 dragged shit down, but I can’t completely shit on this again because the match was pretty good.
You know, I know a lot of people read these reviews cause they’re entertained by me shitting on these shows or with some dumbass shit I find and post here, so I’ll give you guys something. Here’s Bryan & Vinny reviewing Shelly Martinez vs. Rebel from a recent TNA event featuring women’s matches that nobody besides a bunch of creepy perverts watched. Bryan & Vinny are a million times harsher than I am. I apologize for this show not sucking as much as the others.
Backstage with new dork Josh, who is less annoying than Toasterdork. He interviews Peter Avalon. They talk about him beating the fake-Russian douche two episodes ago. This wasn’t bad, as it reminded us that Peter is the main champion on the show, but it didn’t really add much. Eh.
Vermins (Tito Escondido & Ryan Taylor) vs. Beard Money (Julio Pedroza & Will Cuevas)
No, that is not some type of typo, there’s a team that actually calls themselves “Beard Money.” Honestly, I think people who define themselves and personalities by their stupid ass facial hair are the biggest fucking hipster douchebags on the planet right now, and I think parody and knockoff gimmicks are retarded (World’s Cutest Tag Team included [BWO excluded]) but these guys seemed ok in the ring here. They had a good performance with Tito and Taylor. I mean, they didn’t really have cool offense, but the pacing was good and Vermin shined on offense. There was some tension being teased between Tito and Ryan at some point. Not a bad match, but nothing blow away. Still, this was watchable and not super basic. So far, this show has been sorta good. Vermin won when Tito hit a powerbomb on one of the Beards and pinned him.
And now the show goes to shit.
Backstage as Toasterdork is with Jervis Cottonbelly. Jervis cuts a stupid ass promo about being a dork who has shitty ass parties, which set up a shitty joke about him and Hobo not eating junk food and Hobo entering the picture eating a slice pizza. There were so many cringe-inducing attempts at comedy in this promo that it pretty much ruined the show. DUR HUR HUR HOBO’S EATING PIZZA AFTER JERVIS WAS LIKE “WE DON’T EAT JUNK FOOD” AND THEN SEZ HE’S CARBO LOADING HAR HAR HAR. Goddamn, what a retarded fucking promo. I’m sure after reading this, the Hobo will go on Twitter to trash me since he seems mentally weak and needs some type of validation from people to help him convince himself that he’s not a waste of space. Homeless Jimmy was so much better than this guy. Seriously. And the way he was booked in XPW was actually sorta genius, which is something not a lot of people say when describing XPW, but it’s true, man. For as much shit XPW received, their storytelling was worlds better than Championship Wrestling From Ventura County. Oh yeah, they have a match against Peter Avalon and James Morgan, or something. Nothing but the best build up for a match featuring all the champions in Championship Wrestling From Oxnard!
Backstage again is Toasterdork with Vermin, sans Kevin Martenson. Yuma cuts a stupid promo on JR Kratos and makes a really shitty Creed reference. It’s fucking 2016 and this dork is making CREED references to build up a wrestling match. Ugh. He tries to say everything’s cool in Vermin, but Tito’s like “where’s Kevin?” Once again, Yuma is emasculated by Tito. They end the promo by looking around for Kevin. Their characters sadly probably didn’t know that he was probably 65 miles away in Boyle Heights, working for a better TV show.
“Kingpin” Jared Vargas was in the ring and cut a really shitty promo full of poorly delivered bowling puns. I wonder if this guy grew up watching WWF Superstars as a kid and aspired to someday have a shitty Wrestlecrap-esque gimmick like The Goon’s.
He says stuff and there are plants in the crowd with “KINGPIN VARGAS” signs. Note to Marquez Productions: in 2016, the TV audience can sense bullshit like that and will turn on your shitty product cause of how dumb that is. Get a clue. Anyway, THE DEEJ is his opponent for this match. I legitimately couldn’t stop laughing at this point cause I can’t take DJ Hyde seriously whatsoever.
DJ Hyde vs. Jared Vargas
A few guys chanted “CZW” during the DEEJ’s entrance. Sadly, CZW’s best days are about 11 years behind them. DJ Hyde killed Vargas in a minute. You know, I read years ago that the DEEJ mortgaged his grandmother’s house to buy CZW from ZANDIG. That obviously did wonders for his career, as without that he’d probably have never been brought on this shitty show in the first place. Also, the DEEJ is technically a backyard promoter, as he hosts deathmatch tournaments at his parents’ farm in Townsend, DE. Nick Gage almost died at one of those shows. Anyways, DEEJ hits moves on Vargas and won. Not much else to say besides LOL@bringing in the DEEJ.
Post match shenanigans, Toasterdork interviews the DEEJ. Nothing important is said.
JR Kratos vs. Yuma (w/ Tito Escondido & Ryan Taylor)
Story of the match was basically JR Kratos getting revenge on Yuma for hitting him with a pipe. Tito Escondido is on commentary and gives the impression that there’s a breakup in the future. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it as many fucking times as I want to: bring in H.A.T.E and have them replace Vermin. The match ends up feeling like an extended squash with little antics and shenanigans going on. Kratos won. He looked impressive just tossing Yuma around. Yuma looked like a dork who should be jobbing on the undercard. Kratos was basically throwing around, and Vermin did stuff. They teased the more tension between Vermin and the show ended.
I’m not gonna lie, outside of a shitty promo with the Hobo and Jervis Cottonbelly, this episode wasn’t really bad. There was good, and there was bad, but the good was enough to outweigh the bad. Having DJ Hyde on this show is a huge waste of time, the Friendship Express are the fucking worst, the Pac 3 are also pretty goddamn awful, and a match that should be considered important was treated as an afterthought to a shitty joke about pizza. Now that I ranted about the bad, there were still good moments on this episode. The opener was ok but at the same time was watchable because of Camden’s performance, Danny Limelight vs. Dicky Mayer was a solid match with good pacing, the Vermin tag was a good showcase for Tito, and JR Kratos looked impressive in his match. I mean, the show is still very bland, and the storylines aren’t that intriguing cause of sloppy booking, but this episode was a small step in the right direction. It wasn’t bad overall. The end.