These reviews although entertaining for some, are not what I was hoping for when Andrew volunteered to review CWFH Television. The personal attacks are what take away from the true critique that I was initially hoping for. In retrospect, these articles should have never been published. However in the spirit of being Uncensored, they will remain on the site.
While Jay Cal might claim that what I say in my reviews are “personal attacks” and such, they simply are not. Anyone who feels that way is reading into things too deeply. While he may be the E.I.C. here on SCU and can dictate what does and doesn’t belong on the site, he shouldn’t be incorrectly telling you, the reader, what the intent of my comments and reviews were. It should also be noted that Jay Cal is friends with people inside Championship Wrestling From Hollywood and some of the workers on these shows. In the spirit of being Uncensored, you, the reader, deserve to know the truth instead of having someone slandering my writings to influence your opinions by twisting other people’s words. – Andrew
“This is not an industry built on comfort level. This is an industry that is built on something new, something different, something I haven’t seen before.”-Paul Heyman
These were the words of Paul Heyman in an episode of WWE Network’s “Monday Night Wars” series when talking about the decline of WCW Monday Nitro. Those words can easily apply to Championship Wrestling From Hollywood, as this show continues to be the same stale, boring, cookie-cutter show with the same lame formula that Dave Marquez has been using in his projects for YEARS now. This episode just continues to be more of the same.
This episode starts with that Grant dork talking backstage. Devin Sparks cuts a semi-entertaining promo. He’s got personality and charisma. This would’ve been better without Grant. The intro starts and we have our first match.
Austin Harmon or Guy Cool? vs. Jervis Cottonbelly
Jervis Cottonbelly is a Chikara guy, and Chikara shit is really lame for the most part. Jervis falls into the “most part” category. And he’s doing this stupid old timey “gentleman” gimmick that looked like a Silverlake/Echo Park hipster douche’s wet dream of what their ideal pro wrestling character would be like come to life. I know this is going to get tons of hate from man-children with neckbeards and tentacle rape hentai porn (that line was for you Paul T) lovers who eat up that “CHIKKY PHUN” shit if they come across this article, but fuck it. I doubt they’ll read it. If they do though, I still say fuck it. This dude and Chikara are fucking lame, just like that aborted fetus Stu Stone’s joke about drinking “tiger blood” that fell flat. I bet he was waiting to make that joke ever since Charlie Sheen revealed he ha HIV back in November. Too bad it fucking sucked. I mean, I know I’m no Bill Burr or Jim Jefferies myself, but this fucking guy is just awful. He’s worse than Amy Schumer, Carlos Mencia, and Larry The Cable Guy combined.
Anyway, Austin Harmon has competed as Guy Cool before. He’s introduced as Austin Harmon, but they keep calling him Guy Cool. They have a short match that was pretty even. Guy Cool (I refuse to call him by his CWFH Slave Name) looked decent in this match,and Jervis had a alright performance despite his stupid fucking gimmick. The announcers killed the match as usual, what with Stu Stone continuing to excel at not being funny. Jervis won with a rollup. The crowd was into it but this was average. I doubt it would’ve been better had it gone longer.
Backstage with Cathy Kelley! She’s the best thing on this show, but sadly she’s been signed to WWE now so we won’t be seeing her anymore. She interviews Los Primos Rivera. Gino ruins the promo when he opens his beak to talk. Hey look, fowl language. Danny Limelight (I also refuse to call him by his CWFH Slave Name) did a decent job on the mic, but the whole “Brooklyn, New York, Tough, blah blah blah” shit annoys me. Not because of him, but because I’m just sick of the stereotypical wannabe tough guy New Yorker transplants that infest Los Angeles. Gino looks like an ostrich this week. After a commercial break, Cathy Kelley interviews Cold Cold World, who stay silent during the entire interview. This was the best segment CWFH has produced so far this episode, as Cathy Kelley did a good job on the mic, Cold Cold World played their characters perfectly, and she was able to sell how scary the champs were.
United Tag Team Championship Match: Cold Cold World (Damien Grundy and Will Rood) (c) vs. Los Primos Rivera (Danny Limelight & Gino Rivera)
While Los Primos Rivera were making their entrance, some old white guy in the crowd had a sign that said “J-Lo Backup Dancers” on a piece of notebook paper. It was lame when the Classic Connection said it in a promo, and its even lamer when some old white guy is trying to use it to mock heels. On to the match. Story is the Rivera cousins talk a bunch of shit and try to use their speed advantage against the bigger, stronger Cold Cold World but get tossed around and overpowered. Danny Limelight had a decent performance, and Cold Cold World are impressive. They got in some double team moves and had a decent showcase. The ending was terrible and mistimed, as Cold Cold World were going for their finisher when they just stopped in mid move because Gino was too slow on his cue. He pulled Danny out of the ring, started chirping, and said flew off with Danny back to his nest.
The booking of this match was so fucking stupid. It made Los Primos Rivera look bad in several ways. One is they now look like a pair of pussies who can’t hang with the top of the division. The other is that they made the tag team titles look so unimportant by just walking out on a title match. Remember when getting a title shot meant something in wrestling, and weren’t wasted, even by chickenshit heels? This shit made no fucking sense. No wonder there’s a bunch of empty seats in that theatre.
KDOC’s commercial breaks need Wally George clips. Anyway, after a commercial, the saving grace of this shit show, Cathy Kelley, is backstage and interviews Ryan Taylor about what’s going on with Vermin. He denies rumors that Vermin was falling apart and losing power. He brings in Tito Escondido and wants to know where Dave Marquez is at and says they’re coming for him. They should take over the show and air nothing but Wally George reruns. Does KDOC still have the rights to those shows? I imagine Hot Seat with Wally George reruns would get huge ratings for CWFH.
Jorel Nelson vs. Devin Sparks w/ Young Boys
I’m entertained by Devin Sparks’ delusional Otaku who wrestled in Japan gimmick. His character comes complete with YOUNG BOYS who throw streamers for him. This match wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great either. They did a lot of basic shit well, and Jorel Nelson looked ok, but Devin Sparks’ gimmick and antics in this match outshines everything that took place in it. The finish was weak, as Sparks got the win with a Stunner. For a guy with a character that is so into Japanese shit, you’d think he’d have a cooler finisher than that, like the Schwein, or a Tiger Driver or something. A Stunner is too 90’s. After Sparks won, his young boys gave him flowers. Outside of the blandness of the match and the weak finisher, I can’t help but to be a fan of Devin Sparks’ gimmick.
The aborted fetus’ commentary was still terribly unfunny in this one.
Eli Drake vs. Douglas James
The old white guy had another dumb sign that said “ELI IS A BUM” on it. I cringed hard. The commentators wouldn’t stop swooning over Douglas James, and the fetus keeps trying to sound cool by mentioning Tinder a lot. They also talk about his jiu-jitsu background, and the fetus says something about Douglas James being a “state champion” in two weight classes. Ok, enough of those fucking idiots. While the commentators sounded as like they were making up Douglas James’ background, he actually does have a legitimate background (I think we might’ve crossed paths at a gym a few years ago but I can’t confirm) and he could fuck up Eli Drake in a real fight.
So yeah, this match. It did Douglas James no favors. It didn’t really do much for Eli Drake either. They were having a decent match until Eli Drake botched a spot where he tried to jump onto the ropes while Douglas James was on the top rope for a superplex, but instead Eli Drake slipped and had to regain his balance for a few seconds before delivering the move. It looked really terrible. The booking for this sucked. I’ll talk more about this at the end of the review, because every time I watch one of these episodes I feel like I could book this shit better than Andrew Yuma.
Post match shenanigans: Eli Drake wastes everyone’s time by having the referee raise his hand in every corner. That Grant dork interviews Eli Drake, who cuts a lame promo. He called Big Duke “Big Douche.” Who writes this guy’s lines? Anyway, this is “Promo Class 101” stuff. That old guy now has a “SHUT UP” sign. More commercials. This show really needs Wally George.
After a commercial, Todd Chandler cuts a promo about wanting a title shot. He calls out that Grant dork, and then the aborted fetus stands up for Grant. The fetus gets in the ring, buries Chandler, yells at him, and slaps him. Chandler does nothing in retaliation, making him look like a pussy for letting that shit slide. The fetus introduces James Morgan. Old white guy now has “MAIN EVENT” written on a piece of paper. It’s depressing to think trees had to be cut down just so that guy can make shitty signs at shitty wrestling shows
United TV Championship Match: James Morgan (c) vs. Todd Chandler
There were a lot of moments where I thought to myself “what the fuck is James Morgan doing?” At some points he just looked awful, and at some points in the match he looked solid. Like, he can perform a suplex and a gut-wrench powerbomb well, but the dude doesn’t really seem like he can work things like a basic headlock or be convincing when he’s “furiously” clubbing Todd Chandler with awkward looking strikes. The fetus continues to be intolerable on commentary here. His awfulness is the most consistent thing on this show. Its like nothing has changed. Chandler does a lot of basic shit, amd a lot if doesn’t look great. The finish sucked. Chandler spit in Morgan’s face, and Morgan had the shittiest looking fury of strikes I’ve ever seen when he was clubbing the back of Chandler. He looked like a parent playing wrestling with their young child more than a grown man angry at another grown man. So the referee DQ’s Morgan and the match ends. I mean this was just two dudes doing bad brawling and a few basic wrestling moves, and they didn’t make it interesting. This sucked.
Post match shenanigans: they do a lame brawl. They have refs and some workers come out to stop the shitty brawl. The fetus kept yelling and threw water in Todd Chandler’s face, who again did nothing and ended up being attacked from behind by Morgan. They have a shitty brawl and the show ends. Ugh this was bad. *erases this horseshit off my DVR*
This show continues to have bad booking to go along with boring, stale matches. This show had two title matches that felt like a joke and were completely pointless. I mean the booking of the tag team title match was just stupid. Los Primos Rivera’s credibility was pretty much killed in their match. I mean, they walked out on a fucking title match! They thought leaving and going home was better more important than trying to become champions after getting their asses kicked! What a fucking joke that shit is. The non-title matches was just all of the same standard and basic shit that you see on every show. Maybe that’s why the last few rows were nearly empty. There are no legitimate stars being made on these shows, and the matches are boring. Devin Sparks was a highlight of the show though. Also, all the non-wrestling dorks (aside from Cathy Kelley) suck. These guys seriously aren’t good wrestling personalities, and instead come off as geeks trying to have careers in show business.
I mentioned how I was going to expand on the Eli Drake vs. Douglas James match as an example of why the booking sucks and how CWFH fucks up so much by not making new stars. This was an opportunity to kill several birds with one stone. First, we knew Eli Drake was going to fucking win because he was advertised as being in action while Douglas James wasn’t, and there was no heat for this match.. Second, having Eli Drake in a random match when he’s in a conflict with Big Duke where the only build up or talk about it was in a lame promo after the match does nothing to help advance their feud. They did nothing to relate this match to the Big Duke storyline. It was treated like an afterthought as the idiot commentators spent more time swooning over Douglas James. Third, CWFH could’ve raised Douglas James’ stock by doing something that makes him look like a threat and potential star in CWFH. Instead, he was treated like a geek and he lost a match where Eli Drake botched a huge moment in the finishing sequence of the match. Nobody came out of this better than they did coming into it. If I were booking this show, I wouldn’t have done what the booking team did.
To start things off, I’d cut one of the useless title matches and another match from the show, give this time so that you’ve got yourself a good TV wrestling segment. I’d have Eli Drake come out and talk about his issues with Big Duke and trash him in a way that doesn’t bury Duke. The commentators (who I would replace with a pair of homeless crackheads living on Skid Row since they’d be better) would also acknowledge that Big Duke wasn’t in attendance that week because of something believable and doesn’t hurt Duke. Eli would talk about being a star in TNA (even though nobody gives a fuck about TNA) and being former champion in CWFH before issuing an open challenge to the locker room, saying it’d be an honor for them to face a star like him and that he’s going to give someone a chance to make a name for themselves since Big Duke isn’t there to do so. This would bring out Douglas James, who comes out serious and focused. He’d get on the mic, simply say “challenge accepted” and the match starts. Douglas James’ character would also be booked more seriously and utilize his background in jiu-jitsu to sell him as a skilled, tough fighter who can hang with guys on a higher level than him. The match would be even with Douglas James getting slight advantages, making him appear to be a legitimate threat to Eli Drake. Eventually, there’s a ref bump, and Douglas James would make Eli Drake tap in the ring as the referee is out. This would legitimize Douglas James and bring him out of CWFH Jobber Purgatory to help build him into a star. Douglas James gets screwed and Eli Drake cheats to win with a weapon and so that Douglas James is protected and doesn’t look weak against a heel. Eli Drake would attack Douglas James after the match, who is selling the weapon shot he took in the match. Eli would get on the mic and say that he’s going to do the same to Big Duke if they cross paths again, and that the PP3 Cup was just a fluke. With that, you advance the Big Duke feud while planting the seeds to build a new star, along with giving him a new character that isn’t lame and sets him apart from others. Plus it also sets up a rematch or feud between Eli Drake and Douglas James down the line.
I know this sounds arrogant, but I really believe I could put together a better program than the current creative minds at CWFH. They’re so terrible at making stars and booking interesting storylines. I think Dave Marquez is a good dude and all, I have nothing negative to say about him as a person, but he’s just clueless and out of touch on what makes good TV wrestling in 2016. He really doesn’t know what fans truly want. A bunch of short, boring, stale, basic matches that are completely predictable isn’t what the fans want to see in 2016. There’s a reason why people pay top dollar to go PWG and Lucha VaVoom events, and there’s a reason why Lucha Underground is a critical success. They’re all fresh and exciting products. CWFH is in the LA market and their shows don’t draw shit even though they’re free. CWFH has the advantage of being on TV in LA but still, nobody goes to their shows because their shows fucking suck. That is just sad and depressing. Really, KDOC could re-air episodes of “Hot Seat” and it’d be much better than this shit.