By Silverback, PWG Staff Writer
Granada Hills, California – Due to overwhelming demand by our fans, Pro Wrestling Guerrilla (http://www.prowrestlingguerrilla.com) has recently taken steps to make our live shows friendlier to those with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD.) On top of stocking the bathrooms with harsh chemicals and chlorine bleach rather than hand soap, we’ve also decided to start posting signs asking those who are less courteous and more slovenly than normal people to “Kee_ The _ee Out Of Our _ool!” starting Saturday, March 27, 2004 at 8:00PM! Granted, those fans who still wish to _ee in our _ool may still do so prior to the 27th, but if they do, they’ll most certainly miss:• Disco Machine vs. Charles Mercury – In a day and age Charles Mercury is far too young to remember, disco music was listened to, danced to, and enjoyed all across the world. From the clubs in New York to the mean streets of Tempe, Armenia, disco music gave people, hope that they too could be the giant gold medallion on the chest hair of life. One such person was Disco Machine, who fought his way off the streets, out of poverty, through the clubs, and now to his position as pool boy at the Beverly Hills Hotel. If disco music could do that much for someone like Disco Machine, imagine what it could do for someone like Charles Mercury! That’s exactly what Disco Machine thought, as he tried to explain to young Charles what the disco lifestyle had to offer. Instead, Mercury, a connoisseur of country music, rejected Disco Machine’s offer with a resounding slap to the face, a rift was created, and a match was made.
• Ricky Reyes vs. Puma – When the Cuban Government calls and tells you to go on a Peace Keeping mission to Haiti, you listen. That’s why Ricky Reyes will be flying solo on March 27th, since his usual partner, Rocky Romero, will be off giving a flying cross arm breaker to the Haitian Government. Ricky Reyes could have easily taken the day off as well, but because of his incredible Cuban work ethic, Reyes offered a challenge to all members of his LA Dojo team. Always looking to make a name for himself, Puma accepted the challenge and intends to show Reyes that Puma is his own man (or giant feline,) not some kid who is there to be pushed around! Will Reyes continue the Cuban streak of destruction in PWG, or will Puma prove once and for all that he has stepped out of the Havana Brothers’ shadow?
• The Ballard Brothers vs. Samoa Joe & American Dragon – Much like the favorite Children’s Fairy Tale “The Samoan & The Dragon,” Samoa Joe and American Dragon don’t get along very well, and as it happens, have had their fair share of fights. Also similar to the fairy tale, there is a pair of surly Canadians, The Ballard Brothers in this case, who are out for revenge, revenge which they will get “by hook or by crook, eh,” revenge which is a dish best served cold, cold like the frigid plains and icy mountains of Canada! The swarthy Canadians used a well thought out scheme in order to hand Samoa Joe his first loss in PWG, which, oddly enough, is exactly how it happened in the book, too. Now it is Joe who seeks revenge, teaming with a man who is normally his opponent and not his partner, American Dragon, to get revenge for the Ballard Brothers’ act of getting revenge previously committed in their revenge getting scheme! Visit your local library for a copy of “The Samoan & The Dragon” to see how this all plays out, or just be there at “Kee_ The _ee Out Of Our _ool!” On March 27th!
• Babi Slymm vs. “Classic” Colt Cabana – With a submission victory over PWG Champion “Scrap Iron” Adam Pearce at the last live show, “88 Miles Per Hour,” it would seem only natural that Babi Slymm would receive a shot at the title. But due to some slick political maneuvering by Pearce, Slymm will not receive a title shot this time around, but rather be forced to go through the returning “Classic” Colt Cabana! When Slymm was notified that he would not be getting the title shot he fought so hard for, he filed a complaint with Commissioner Paul T. However, due to a strong gust of wind, the paperwork was blown out to sea while the commissioner was surfing, and it never received an official looking over. Therefore, Pearce dodges another bullet, and the fans are the real winners when Babi Slymm takes on Colt Cabana!
• Frankie Kazarian vs. Spanky – When George “Spanky” McFarland received a call from the WWE, he thought to himself “Surely some mistake has been made.” But the promise of a weekly paycheck and all the Diet Pepsi he could drink was more than enough to draw McFarland out of retirement for just one more shot at glory. Despite dying in 1993 of a massive coronary failure, the star of the fondly remembered “Little Rascals” shorts was ready for his shot at WWE Gold. Sadly, it was not meant to be. When McFarland showed up to the arena for his first day of work, he found that Brian “Spanky” Kendrick had also been called for a job, and the two men were meant to compete for the coveted chance at stardom. While McFarland did not get the position with the WWE, his brush with fame allowed for a lucrative career in the world of independent wrestling, with his most well known encounters coming against Frankie “The Future” Kazarian.
However, as time went on, McFarland’s corpse became badly decomposed, to the point where he was unable to wrestle and once again forced to retire. At the same time, Brian Kendrick sought his release from the WWE, and upon his return to the independent wrestling scene, claimed the mantle of Spanky for now, and all of eternity. Due to being heavily involved in defending his former PWG Championship, Frankie Kazarian was unaware that McFarland had retired and that the new Spanky was much more agile and tenacious than the man he once faced. Kazarian has offered an open challenge to Spanky on March 27, will he be surprised by who shows up to answer that challenge, or will there be two recently departed Spanky’s, instead of just one?
PWG Tag Team Championship Match
• X-Foundation (Scott Lost & Joey Ryan) (c) vs. Chris Bosh & Quicksilver – Being the last four men remaining in the Guerrilla Games Match at “88 Miles Per Hour,” the X-Foundation and Chris Bosh & Quicksilver are no strangers to one another. There was a time, however, when Scott Lost & Joey Ryan were walking down the street and they saw a large van with tinted windows driving slowly right next to them. Lost & Ryan, remembering what they learned in school, turned around and began to look for an adult, but at that same moment, the driver’s side window rolled down and asked the pair if they liked candy. Being huge fans of candy, the pair approached the van, only to find two men waiting there to ambush them! After a short fracas, the X-Foundation was left laying in the middle of the street, and the two men in van drove off before the proper authorities could be alerted. Who were the two men inside the van? Why none other than famous Hollywood actors Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong! The X-Foundation were never given this information, and to this day hold Bosh & Quicksilver responsible, hence the title shot being offered and accepted!
PWG Championship Match
• “Scrap Iron” Adam Pearce (c) (With Valentina) vs. “Shooting Star” Bobby Quance – As the sole member of a deep space exploration mission, Astronaut Bobby Quance’s scout craft was scouring the solar system for signs of life when it was bombarded by cosmic rays. While all instruments on the scout craft remained normal, and Quance himself still felt normal, he couldn’t help worrying over his experience in the stars. Concentrating on the task at hand, Quance docked the scout craft with the main shuttle, and began his slow return to earth. However, upon entering the hyperbaric stasis chamber which would allow him to sleep for the 3 month journey, due to the bombardment of cosmic radiation, his body began to adapt to conditions in space, which would give him seemingly super human powers once he returned to earth! Heightened speed, incredible power, and increased jump-ability are only few of the new found abilities possessed by Earth’s newest super hero, the Shooting Star!
Meanwhile, in Pro Wrestling Guerrilla, a dark cloud had formed over the once prestigious PWG Championship, as the dastardly “Scrap Iron” Adam Pearce had stolen the gold from it’s rightful owner. Wise to Scrap Iron’s penchant for skullduggery, PWG Mayor Paul T climbed the steps of city hall and flipped the switch on the Shooting Star signal. Will the Shooting Star make it in time, and be able to wrestle the championship from the hands of the villainous Scrap Iron? Or will Scrap Iron’s lovely assistant Valentina provide some sort of distraction that will allow him to avoid the justice dished out by Earth’s mightiest titan?!
Guerrilla Warfare Match
• Super Dragon vs. Scorpio Sky – In many ways, Pro Wrestling Guerrilla is a lot like South America. You have the verdant rain forests, the tropical climate, and the wide spread political instability that makes the region so famous. Also similar to South America is the method by which such political instability is quelled, not through barbaric gun violence, but through the ultimate test of manhood, the Guerrilla Warfare Match. With one victory in Guerrilla Warfare under his belt, Super Dragon would seem like the sure bet to be the winner in this encounter, but much like the bounce of a grenade, Scorpio Sky is unpredictable, and could just as easily bounce into an orphanage as he could bounce in the face of Super Dragon! What does that mean? Who knows! But the last Guerrilla Warfare Match featured all sorts of ass kicking, and Scorpio Sky himself promised that this one will be “eleventy million times worse!”
Speaking of Super Dragon, Super Dragon Evolution 3 is available right now! The long awaited 4-Disc Set is finally available to order for only $30 (plus $3.95 Domestic/$9 International Shipping + Handling.) Super Dragon Evolution 3 features 22 matches in all, including the 2003 & 2002 Southern California Match Of The Year, TARO’s unmasking, and Super Dragon’s debut match against none other than the legendary Tiger Joe! All this for only $30! Whatta deal! Whatta burger! Visit http://www.super-dragon.com/ev3/ for ordering information!
Also, to any customers who may have purchased Debut Show or Bad Ass Mother 3000 DVD’s, we will be receiving our copies back from the duplicator this coming week, and our copies to you will ship immediately after.
“Kee_ The _ee Out Of Our _ool!” takes place Saturday, March 27, 2004 at the Santa Ana Elks Lodge, at 8:00PM. The Santa Ana Elks Lodge is located at 212 S. Elk Lane, Santa Ana, CA 92701. Tickets are only $15 each, and will be available at the door. Tickets will be available online at http://www.prowrestlingguerrilla.com, or by mail (PWG Tickets, PO Box 1527, Temple City, CA 91780. Certified checks or money orders only, please.) For more information, please visit http://www.prowrestlingguerrilla.com or email firstname.lastname@example.org.