On June 26th, 2016, SoCalUncensored.com’s intrepid leader Steve Bryant ventured to Port Hueneme, CA for a Championship Wrestling From Hollywood taping, even though Port Hueneme is 60 miles away from Hollywood, CA and about 2,700 miles away from Hollywood, FL. Personally, I felt that these tapings were very monumental, as they had the presence of Steve. YESSSS, STEEEEEEVE! To mark these monumental tapings, I am calling these series of episodes “THE STEVE TAPINGS.”
I also address my contractual status with SCU, mini-column rants, and have a message for Dave Marquez at the end of this review. Enjoy! <3
Episode 269 starts off with Toasterdork yelling and overselling the card. He interviews Alexander Hammerstone, who talks about Tito Escondido and his match later in the episode against Ryan Taylor. Toasterdork yells to end the promo, thus ruining things. Dan Masters was better than him at this. After the intro, we see the crowd, including our fearless leader STEVE sitting in the front row. Yes, STEVE. The announcers begin the show by spewing some masturbatory bullshit that only people impressed by mediocrity and menial achievements would find interesting. Since this is 2016, I’m not going to say anything about this. I’ll just put this unrelated clip from an episode of “South Park” on here that isn’t totally my opinion on the verbal fellatio these guys gave each other.
Jervis Cottonbelly vs. Buddy Royal vs. Danny Limelight vs. Dan Joseph (w/ Coach Flex)
This was a four-way match to build up to some match at the Red Carpet Rumble. This started off with everyone going at it, then everyone ganging up on Jervis. Then everyone went back to fighting each other. Danny Limelight hit a decent Fosbury Flop on everyone before a commercial. Dan Joseph and Buddy Royal worked over Danny Limelight for awhile, and they did a cool Triple German Suplex spot. HOLY SHIT! DID I JUST SAY THERE WAS SOMETHING COOL ON CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING FROM HOLLYWOOD? HELL HAS FROZEN OVER. Danny Limelight did a good comeback spot (OMG HE SAID MULTIPLE CONSECUTIVE COMPLIMENTS ABOUT A MATCH NOT FULL OF PUNCHES AND SHITTY RESTHOLDS WTF?) on Royal and Joseph. Sadly things got whack as fuck and there were shenanigans. Danny Limelight won after pinning Dan Joseph with a schoolboy after a low blow. There were some good spots in this, mostly involving Danny Limelight who usually has solid but sorta sloppy performances. This was okay but had some decent spots in it.
For the record, I wrote this review before this shit happened. Dude really needs to get some thicker skin and to stop starting shit with people. He’s got tons of potential, but his attitude and ego will eventually ruin his future for himself if he doesn’t get his head out of his ass.
Post match shenanigans: the announcers talked. A lot. This was such a waste of TV time. Mother fuckers should’ve wrapped it up in like 20 seconds instead of talking on and on. Fucking pieces of dog shit.
Backstage, Toasterdork Grant yells. He interviews Danny Limelight, who cuts an alright promo. Toasterdork makes stupid faces and ruins the end of the promo by yelling more. Toasterdork Grant makes me an angry Chippah.
Pinky vs. DJ Hyde
THE DEEJ, who was literally buried in his parents’ backyard at a CZW event by John Zandig (no, seriously, I talked about this before) and gave Zandig the company back.
The fans chant “This Is Awesome” before the match started. Pinky is a babyface now for some reason. DJ Hyde spat on him and Pinky licked his spit. Pinky got some offense before DJ Hyde beat him with a lariat. Meh. DEEJ sucks. Fuck Marvin too for fucking up Zandig’s debut in SoCal. Fucking stupid ass mother fucker. Fuck him and fuck XWW.
Post match shenanigans: Toasterdork Grant interviewed DJ Hyde. The fans kept going “WHAT?” as if we’re still in 2002. DEEJ talked slow and had words for an unnamed person. It was really fucking obvious he was talking about Big Duke. Fuck, I’m really starting to channel my inner Angry Chip the more this show goes on.
Eric Watts (w/ Ty Matthews) vs. Eric Cross & Damien Smith
Oh boy, a handicap SQUASH MATCH! There was a cool spot where Damien Smith went for a tope, but was countered by Watts with a belly-to-belly throw. Smith also took a Urinagi on the ring apron. Those bumps were the highlights of the match. Props to him for being so willing to take those risks in such a meaningless match to get himself noticed and over. We need more people in SoCal who have that kind of spirit. Watts beat up on the Lesbian Hitler haircut having Eric Cross for a bit. Smith tried to make a comeback, but the jobbers got killed. Watts won with an Abdominal Stretch on Cross while grabbing the leg. One of the commentators said he’s never seen something like that. Fucking guy must’ve never seen a Razor Ramon/Scott Hall match.
I mean, Jesus fucking Christ on a Christmas cross, why can’t Dave Marquez hire guys who actually know about wrestling instead of TV dorks? Yo Dave, hire me as your sole commentator and your shit will be better. I’ve never done it before, but I know that if I smoked like 10 fucking blunts before a show I’d be way better than these fucking geeks that are calling your show. Backstage, Toasterdork yells and interviews Eric Watts and Ty Matthews. Watts beat up Julius Coleman.
Ryan Taylor (w/ Tito Escondido) vs. Alexander Hammerstone
Tito was at ringside doing guest commentary on the match. The match was off to a good start. There was a botch spot with early on that looked really bad and was poorly edited. Tito got involved and Ryan Taylor was upset. STORYTELLING BRO. Ryan Taylor was pretty impressive in this match. He should be getting bigger bookings in places like PWG. Tito got involved again and Hammerstone hit a Fosbury Flop on both guys. Ryan Taylor also did a variation of the Dragon Sleeper while in the ropes. Ryan Taylor did a Kata-Ha-Jime/Tazmission, and the announcers called it a modified sleeper. There was fake crowd noise playing, and it sounded so awful. Tito got involved a third time, attacked Hammerstone and cost Ryan Taylor the match. Hammerstone won by DQ.
Post match shenanigans: Ryan Taylor is mad. Johnny Yuma is out there, and Tito hit a Fireman’s Carry Gutbuster. Vermin celebrates to end the episode.
Show starts off with Toasterdork Grant. He never comments on my articles, so fuck him. Dave Marquez should permanently replace his ass with Joshua Shibata. War Shibata. Big Duke talks about the main event. Eh.
Espiritu vs. Tito Escondido
Tito was accompanied by lame ass Yuma, who ended up on commentary. This match was good. Started out with Espiritu doing a bunch of fast paced lucha shit and hitting a tope suicida, and it later turned into Tito beating up on Espiritu for awhile. Tito also tried to rip Espiritu’s mask off. Espiritu made a comeback with a nice tilt-a-whirl tornado DDT on Tito. Finish saw Tito pin Espiritu after he countered an Ace Crusher attempt with a backbreaker, and hit his Fireman’s Carry into a Gutbuster. Match was good, but nothing blow away. There was fake crowd noise in this. Cut that shit out, Dave!
Post match shenanigans: Tito and Yuma beat up on Espiritu. Alexander Hammerstone made the save. The fake-Marquez son made his return by coming out to ringside and made a tag team match between the four guys.
Vermin (Tito Escondido & Johnny Yuma) vs. Alexander Hammerstone & Espiritu
After a commercial, Yuma does a shitty opening series with Espiritu to start the match. Tito came in and worked over Espiritu as well. They do a babyface hot tag spot with Alexander Hammerstone cleaning house like a Mexican maid. Well, actually, it happens later in the match, I just typed that early to save myself time because it was obvious that was going to happen. I’m mother fucking Nostradamus up in this bitch. Tito and Yuma did a comedy spot that went on too long that accomplished nothing except for establishing that Yuma is a useless dork, Hammerstone cleaned house like a Mexican maid as predicted, and eventually brawls with Tito outside the ring and eventually disappear. Espiritu wins with the Ace Crusher Knee Facebuster thing he does. The match was alright, but the fake crowd noise killed this shit. The segment was good overall. I can’t really shit on this completely, so here’s an Opie & Anthony cartoon.
Backstage, Devin Sparks cuts a promo. Good call by letting him do this on his own and without any dork next to him. Not the best promo in the world, but it was tolerable.
After that, we got a press conference that took place earlier in the day with Scorpio Sky, Peter Avalon, and the fake Marquez son. Scorpio Sky came off like a star in this with the way he was dressed and carried himself. One of the commentary dorks does an intro, brings up the fake Marquez kid who talks, and Sky and Peter cut some promos. Sky talked about splitting his time between MMA and pro wrestling but is now back in pro wrestling full time. Peter cut a promo on Sky and about being the face of the company, which was pretty solid. After that, the floor was opened to media for questions. The first question was asked by some ex-TMZ douchebag who runs a shitty website that’s also based in Southern California. Fuck him, fuck his shitty site, and fuck his stupid question. You couldn’t really hear his question though, or the question the second guy asked. Dunno who that guy was, nor do I care. Our very own Steve asked a question, and while SoCalUncensored.com was barely heard, his question was clear. Sky even gave him a shoutout. See that, everyone? SCU’s got the juice in SoCal. The last guy who asked a question sounded like he was from a fake site. This was a pretty good segment overall. Sky and Peter did really good here hyping up their match. This was the best non-wrestling segment produced by Championship Wrestling From Hollywood I’ve seen. Kudos to whoever was the producer of this segment.
After this, we get a shitty promo from the fake-Russian douche with his shitty fake-Russian accent who is with fake-Russian Lou Diamond Philips. This sucked. Rather than talk about it, I’d like to address my contractual status with SoCalUncensored.com. Recently, I was told by Steve that the wrestler who use to be known as the Stepfather here in SoCal was talking shit on me on Facebook for the thread I referenced earlier when talking about Danny Limelight. I was told some guy said I complained about Spanish being spoken at a UIPW show, which wasn’t true. Whoever that guy is, he can go fuck himself for always saying that. Anyways, one of the admins (Steve) of the SCU Facebook page (which I don’t have access too) replied, and the worker formerly known as the Stepfather offered to write for SCU if I were dropped from the site.
Sadly, I’m too valuable to the SCU Brand to leave. Even though I’ve been given lots of lucrative offers from various sites (and even promotions) to work exclusively for them, I’m under contract to SCU plan to honor my contract for as long as I’m getting paid. Sadly, Stepfather couldn’t be man enough to work alongside me and turned down Steve’s open invitation.
With that said, I’d like to say that I am under contact to SCU. It is very ironclad. The negotiations for this contact were brutal, but it was worth it as my agent was not only able to negotiate an amazing guaranteed salary, but I also now own the rights to various likenesses and creative rights to SCU’s trademarks. I basically own the license for the character “Scrub,” the column title “Steve’s View,” and I also now have power of attorney over the “Mike Draven” character and whoever plays that role. From this point forward, anytime the person claiming to be “Mike Draven” posts “on behalf of all of us at SoCalUncensored.com” while wish people “Happy Birthday” and such, he is doing so without my authorization and without permission to speak on my behalf. He is also no longer allowed to use the “Mike Draven” name on shows he ring announces unless the promotions who book him pay me due to me having the rights over said SCU trademark on their shows. So yeah, my contract is pretty sweet. And when I eventually leave again to continue to pursue my goals, I’ll still be reaping the benefits of that contact.
Also, fuck Marvin. Seriously. Fuck him. I wanted to see Zandig in SoCal, and that retard fucked it all up. Fuck him.
Anyways, I rambled because that promo wan’t worth typing about. Writing about stupid shit involving people being pissed off at me was more worthy of your time than anything that fake-Russian douche does. Trust me. You ever hear a guy do a shitty Arnold Schwarzenegger? Well that’s pretty much what that promo was. Now here’s a video of a ninja doing ninja things.
Guy Cool vs. Tyler Bateman
So the United Wrestling Network Television Champion Tyler Bateman, a heel, is facing a guy who has gotten the jobber treatment on this show, Guy Cool, who is also a heel. Why is this match taking place? Shit makes no sense. The match started off even. Guy Cool had a good amount of offense on Bateman till Bateman took control and beat up on him for awhile. Bateman won via pinfall after hitting his elbow smash finisher while calling out James Morgan. This was a decent match that allowed Guy Cool to pull off some decent stuff here and showcase some of his shit.
Post match shenanigans: Tyler Bateman cut a promo talking about James Morgan saying he took his title, and that he’s going to take his career. That was sorta cool.
Over-The-Top Rope Challenge Jorel Nelson vs. Fake-Russian Douche Sasha (w/ fake-Russian Lou Diamond Philips) vs. Julius Coleman vs. Devin Sparks (w/ Young Boys) vs. Big Duke vs. Johnny Yuma
During the entrances, the fake-Russian douche cut a shitty promo. He’s legitimately garbage. Not just to watch in the ring or listen to on the mic, but he’s just fucking garbage. Dude goes on Instagram and buries younger guys (that are way more talented and have way brighter futures than he has) for trying to promote their upcoming matches. He also referred to himself as the “Respect Police” and that people need to be given the “Rodney King treatment.” It’s funny how he claims to have changed from being that guy who talked shit on Super Dragon in 2003 on the boards, and yet he’s acting like the same fucking shithead now that he was then. I only bring this up here because he’s an unprofessional dickhead who is a waste of TV time and makes himself look like an idiot in public. Even if Los Primos Rivera want to fight me, they’re nowhere close to having the level of self-entitlement that the fake-Russian has when it comes to being a fucking douche bag in public. Seriously, there are so many guys in SoCal that would be a lot more entertaining on TV than his ass, and wouldn’t make the company look so bad in public. Bring back Ray Rosas (assuming he wants to work Sundays), Rico Dynamite, Eli Everfly, bring in Seiya, Mariachi Loco (I heard he’s probably got a Lucha Underground contract, so maybe that’s not possible, but if it’s possible, yeah), Andy Brown and Adrian Quest, and they’d all be better than that fake-Russian shithead who shits on younger talent on social media.
Anyways, yeah. Fuck the fake-Russian douche. Here’s an unrelated video that I’m posting simply because I found it hilarious. If you love “Ricky & Morty,” you’ll love this.
Onto the match. It was a basic ass battle royal-style match. Everyone kept trying to toss everyone over the top rope. Steve looked bored at ringside. They do a sequence where everyone does their signature moves. Big Duke eliminated whack ass Yuma first, then DJ Hyde attacked Big Duke and caused him to be eliminated. Now we’re gonna get Big Duke vs. THE DEEJ because they both use clotheslines. Eh. Jorel Nelson was eliminated by the fake-Russian douche. There were antics with the fake-Russian Lou Diamond Philips guy. Julius Coleman eliminated the fake-Russian douche with a catapult. They teased Coleman wining it, but Devin Sparks was outside of the ring hiding and eliminated him to get the #30 spot in the Red Carpet Rumble. That was a good ending to a bland main event.
Post match shenanigans: Coleman was pissed, Sparks celebrated, and the show ended. That Watts/Coleman segment was never followed up on either. What the fuck?
The Steve Tapings were a mix of mostly bland stuff with little flashes of potential and hope. Episode 269’s upsides included some of the spots in the 4-way match, Damien Smith’s willingness to take stupid, crazy, and cool bumps, and Taylor/Hammerstone was solid. Ryan Taylor belongs in a place like PWG. The upsides of Episode 270 included Tito/Espiritu was solid, and the angle to setup the match after that was done well. While the booking of Guy Cool vs. Tyler Bateman was stupid, I liked that Guy Cool got to showcase some stuff in the match. Then there was the press conference, which was very well done. Peter did good, but Sky really shined here and showed that he has the ability to be a real star now. The ending of the main event, while very basic and done so many times before, was still decent. The Espiritu character has also been a good addition to the roster in recent episodes, and surprisingly, he has been booked pretty decently. So kudos to CWFH on that shit. They’re also doing a good job at building up Tito Escondido and giving him a solid push.
Everything else was just boring or pointless. Even though matches are becoming more competitive, there are still too many predictable matches on these shows and unnecessary squash matches. I’m not gonna lie, while these shows are still basic and formulaic, the Steve Tapings had bright spots and signs of moving in the right direction in terms of sucking less instead of sucking so fucking hard. Toasterdork still sucks and should be replaced full-time by Joshua Shibata. I endorse Josh and feel like he’d bring a lot more credibility to the program. Do it, Dave. Hire the man. Full-time.
Oh yeah, speaking of Dave, I wanted to put this out in the public. In the past few months I’ve been trying to get Dave through Jay Cal and Steve to do an interview with me on SCU to discuss various things. Championship Wrestling From Hollywood would obviously be talked about, but I also want to talk to him about other things like EPIC, NJPW-USA and the Inoki Dojo, his mentality towards different aspects of DA BIZ, the disaster that was the KDOC New Year’s Eve special with Jamie Kennedy, bitches with fat asses, dogs and other stuff. Sadly, Dave has been silent. He’s been ducking me. I feel like he’s afraid when he shouldn’t be. Not only that, I feel as if it would clear up many people’s misunderstandings about my feelings towards David Marquez the person rather than David Marquez, the guy who produces wrestling TV shows that I think are shit.
Dave, please accept my invitation to do an interview with me for this fine website. I really feel like we could have a good time with this. Plus who better to interview you than me? Let’s do it. You know how to get in touch with me. HMU. It’d be like a buddy comedy, with two whacky and different personalities interacting and stuff. It’ll be great! And hire Joshua Shibata full-time.
David Marquez has agreed to an interview with me! Stay tuned to SCU for more details!