Now this looks like a job for me
So everybody just follow me
‘Cause we need a little controversy
‘Cause it feels so empty without me
I’ve gone rogue and am now back with a special review of Championship Wrestling From Hollywood’s “big” event “Coastline Clash” in Port Hueneme, CA, not Hollywood. These matches were filmed on April 10th and were split into two parts. This event was being hyped as something “major” and shit, so let’s see how “major” this show was and if it was any different from your usual episode of CWFH.
The first part of Coastline Clash begins with some new dork who isn’t Toasterdork Grant backstage with Dave Marquez’s fake son, Ashley Grace, Kahmora, and some unnamed white girl who looked afraid to be there. The new dork named Josh and Dave Marquez’s fake son bring up Ruby Raze for some reason. Yeah, because people are going to know exactly who that is, right? What a terrible way to introduce her character on television. Kahmora says something and then the usual intro plays. So far, this doesn’t really feel like a “big” event. After the intro, James Morgan is in the ring. He wishes some douche a speedy recovery and says something about Tyler Bateman. Then he says he’s got an open door challenge for his title. This leads to Alexander Hammerstone answering the challenge.
United Television Championship Match: James Morgan (c) vs. Alexander Hammerstone
This match started out with lots of basic shit. There was a moment where James Morgan hit this single arm DDT that looked extremely awkward. Hammerstone did Joey Ryan’s wrist baseball slide suplex thing, with the only difference being Hammerstone held up Morgan to show off his power, while Joey’s is more fluid and usually one fluid movement. He did a cool Belly-To-Belly suplex also. The match ended up regressing, as they did some cool looking moves in the middle, and then towards the end started doing basic shit again before James Morgan hit some really awful striking offense on Hammerstone. The camera even showed James Morgan whiffing a body punch on Hammerstone. I feel bad for Hammerstone for having to sell that shit.
The match goes on some more and James Morgan got the win after an over-choreographed finish. The match was alright. Hammerstone looked pretty decent, and I imagine he could have a better match with someone who has more polished technique than Morgan.
Backstage, Dave Marquez is interviewing the fake-Russian Douchebag, who is with fake-Russian Lou Diamond Philips Guy. Dave was not intimidated by the fake-Russian Lou Diamond Phillips Guy, whereas Peter Avalon had been booked to be afraid of him before. Smart. They unintentionally made their babyface champion look so weak with that one segment. Anyways, the promo sucked. Fake-Russian Douche sounds more like a wannabe Arnold Schwarzenegger more than a wanna fake-Russian. Eric Watts and Ty Matthews come to, and Ty rambles about Rocky Romero not being there. Devin Sparks comes out with his YOUNG BOYS and gets into a promo battle with Ty Matthews. They set up some match between Watts and Sparks’ Young Boys, Ichi & Ni. What the fuck?
Eric Watts (w/ Ty Matthews) vs. Ichi & Ni (w/ Devin Sparks)
Watts just squashed these guys, and he didn’t really look that impressive in this even though he was on offense the entire time. This was a waste of time.
Post match shenanigans: Ty Matthews talks. This whole segment made no sense and was lame. Why did this show book a heel to squash two unnamed characters who are associated with another heel to build up a match between one heel a babyface? I don’t, I just, what? Fuck this show. Backstage with Dave Marquez and Vermin, who are without Joey Ryan. Bookerman Yuma cuts a lame promo, but Ryan Taylor’s faces and antics are entertaining. Keivn Martenson just stands there with a dinosaur toy. Yuma says some shit, then Tito Escondido calls him out on him claiming to be a leader or something. Tito pretty much emasculated an already emasculated man. Vermin sucks and should be replaced by H.A.T.E as the top heel faction in this company. Dave says this match is later on “in this hour” and sends it back to ringside. Remember that.
Ashley Grace vs. Kahmora
The commentators harp on and on about women making their return, and they act like they’re doing revolutionary shit by having women’s wrestling on their show again. Even funnier since this was a week after WWE renamed the Diva’s Championship the Women’s Championship, and announced that women would be known as “superstars” instead of “Divas.” CWFH came off as bush league amateurs here for trying to put themselves over for booking women again. Ashley Grace came off as completely timid and had these nervous teenage girl mannerisms that made her come off not ready to be competing in a televised professional wrestling match. Unless she was directed to look shy and nervous, she really didn’t seem ready for TV at all based on her body language, even if the show is only seen by less than 1,000 people. I’m being EXTREMELY generous with that number, of course.
As far as the match, it was pretty sloppy at some points and neither woman looked very polished. The chain wrestling looked pretty awkward, and there was some miscommunication when Grace went for some type of head scissors or running rana, only to result in some weird looking botch. The match picked up a little, and Ashley Grace hit a nice looking tilt-a-whirl head scissors. Kahmora tried to do some slam on Grace, but it ended up looking pretty bad. Kahmora got the win after hitting a spinning facebuster on Grace. Lots of awkward moments and some botched spots in this, resulting in a bad match. Still, even though this match was awful, they still tried to do more shit than anyone else on these shows, so kudos to both ladies on that, even if the match was shit. Grace seems like she can do some crisp looking gymnastics stuff, but her and Kahmora don’t seem like they’re ready to try the stuff they tried to do here with each other.
Backstage with new dork, who is interviewing Peter Avalon. Peter talks about making history by getting his title back, even though he never lost it. It was stolen. In a dumb storyline. Yeah. Scorpio Sky, who is the guest referee, makes his way to the ring and gets a star reaction from the crowd.
Hollywood Heritage Championship Match: Peter Avalon (c) vs. fake-Russian Douche (w/ fake-Russian Lou Diamond Philips) – Guest Refere: Scorpio Sky
So they do this thing where they have Russian and American flags waving around and shit. Xenophobia still runs wild at Championship Wrestling From Port Hueneme. Fake-Russian Lou Diamond Philips is pretty lame. Peter spends most of the opening portion of the match putting fake-Russian Douchebag in headlocks and other basic shit. Douchebag does a stupid spot where he throws himself out of the ring trying to injure Peter’s throat on the top rope. He’s pretty much throwing himself onto the fucking floor from the ring. It looked stupid and nonsensical. He also tries athletic shit when he’s not athletic at all. The match goes on and there’s more basic shit and rest holds. Douchebag also does shitty looking SPINNING SHIT! in this.
There was a moment where Peter Avalon did a dive to the outside that the crowd popped nicely for. He also did a catapult, and the announcers called it “innovative offense.” Yeah, nothing says innovative like something people have seen billions of times. Fake-Russian Lou Diamond Philips gets involved and there’s some overbooked shenanigans. For some reason the commentators won’t shut up about America, as if this match were somehow meaningful to this country and that a loss would destroy the fabric of our nation. This shit is so bad. Anyways, Peter eventually wins. Yeah.
Post match shenanigans: Sky tries to give Peter the belt, but then fake-Russian Lou Diamond Philips grabs it and holds it up for whatever reason. Sky punches him after he dropped the belt and Peter took his belt back as he and Sky squared off against the Faux Russians. The commentators and fans act like they just saw an important moment in American history go down, and Sky teases challenging Peter for the belt. Not gonna lie, a feud with Peter and Sky could make this show watched if booked right, but the monkeys who write this shit would fuck that up.
And with that, we end Part 1 of Coastline Clash.
Remember that 10 man tag match Dave said Vermin was gonna be in a match against Team Hollywood that hour? Well, it never happened. Great editing work by whoever is producing this shit!
Part 2 begins with the commentary guys at ringside in front of the fans,. and introduce Scorpio Sky as the guest commentator. This was a better way to start the show when compared to the usual bullshit that open these shitty shows. It had something special to it, but sadly it doesn’t carry over to the rest of the episode’s vibe.
2 Out Of 3 Falls – Eli Drake vs. Big Duke
This match is the culmination of a poorly booked feud between these guys. Big Duke, the babyface, beat Eli Drake, the heel, on a “fluke” back in January. Shortly after, Eli Drake beat Big Duke. Not only did he beat him, but he beat him cleanly. So basically, the conflict between them was solved rather quickly. Yeah. The booking for this angle was extremely poor, and the heat was killed early on by having Duke lose cleanly. I imagine a nine year old kid who does backyard wrestling on a trampoline with his friends could come up with 10 better ways to build this angle.
First fall was basic and pretty lackluster. Strikes, basic moves, and a bit of crowd brawling. Eli Drake hit his finisher on Duke in like 2:50. The second fall starts with Eli Drake in control of Duke, doing basic shit with CROWD WORK thrown in. Duke won the second fall in like 3:10 via rollup. Third fall starts with Eli Drake attacking a worn out Big Duke, do some more basic stuff, CROWD WORK, and then him missing an elbow drop off the top rope after doing more CROWD WORK. Duke makes a comeback until Eli Drake countered a running slingshot splash off the corner by Duke, followed by Duke making a comeback shortly after that with a bunch of basic moves. Eli Drake hit a one armed powerbomb that was kinda neat, along with Eli Drake doing a running jumping Superplex on Duke. It took 15 minutes for this show to have something somewhat cool. Eli Drake went for it again, but Duke countered with a sit-out Powerbomb from the second rope. The finish was cool, but the match was pretty bland and basic. 2 out of 3 falls was also a pretty weak stipulation for a feud ending match in 2016. Either way, this match felt like it dragged on until the last two minutes.
Backstage with new dork Josh with the Friendship Express, Jervis Cottonbelly and The Hobo. They cut a really lame promo where they bark like goofballs. The Hobo is like a Rated G-version of Homeless Jimmy, except he talks and isn’t as cool as Jimmy.
Homeless Jimmy was awesome. Seriously you guys. I also miss XPW. Their TV show was the best. XPW TV>Championship Wrestling From Hollywood.
After commercial, Adam Thrownstowe, Luster The Legend, JR Kratos, Timothy Thatcher, and Drew Gulak are backstage. Reno Scum and JR Kratos talked. Gulak and Thatcher didn’t. They were hyping the main event. against Vermin. Not bad, honestly.
United Tag Team Championship Match: Cold Cold World (c) vs. The Friendship Express (Jervis Cottonbelly & The Hobo)
Before the match, the editor of this show made a huge fuck up that makes Championship Wrestling From More Like Oxnard Than Hollywood look bush league by showing a bunch of empty seats not once, but twice during the ring entrances. That’s the type of shit you try to hide from the TV audience, but whoever was directing here made them look like amateurs who can’t sell out a small venue.
Speaking of the ring entrances, the Hobo and Jervis came out with a bunch of beach shit, treating this match like a joke. Of course, title matches in this promotion are almost always a joke because of the shitty booking. Scorpio Sky was quick to point out how these guys should be taking this match seriously, making him the smartest person in the promotion. He gets it. The Hobo was also wearing what looked to be a Wrestlemania 32 snapback. They did a bunch of lame comedy shit with beach stuff that got some fake laughs from one of the commentators. I actually said “fuck my life” as I watched this shit.
The match started off with bad brawling and Cold Cold World working over The Hobo, including some awful looking grappling that had shit looking leg lock attempts in it. If you’re going to be a pro wrestler and insist on trying grapple, learn how to grapple for real. But yeah, this match was basic heel team vs. face team shit, with the heels working over the Hobo till he got a hot tag. Hobo and Jervis won in a boring match. After the match, Cold Cold World had something go on, but we don’t see it because we only see the in ring celebration. This show was taped for weeks, and the brilliant production crew didn’t realize it would’ve been smart to show what happened, since it sounded important. Instead, this show is produced by idiots and we got a wasted moment.
Backstage with Dave Marquez. He’s with someone who he says doesn’t need an introduction, but gives him one anyways because, well, he would’ve fucking needed it! He introduces CZW owner “THE DEEJ” DJ Hyde. DEEJ said stuff. Back when I started reviewing these shitty shows, I made tons of references to CZW founder ZANDIG and how he’d make this promotion better. Well, Championship Wrestling In Ventura County instead got THE DEEJ!
DEEJ cuts a lame promo, trying to be intimidating, while Dave Marquez is unimpressed.
JR Kratos, Drew Gulak, Timothy Thatcher, & Reno Scum (Adam Thorwnstowe & Luster The Legend) vs. Vermin (Joey Ryan, Tito Escondido, Kevin Martenson, Ryan Taylor, & Yuma)
Yuma is annoying as fuck throughout the match. Besides his bullshit, this was a good match. There was some cool stuff in this. Kratos looked impressive, Adam Thornstowe hit a nice dive, the action had some good pacing, and the finishing stretch where everyone was hitting big moves on each other was fun. Compared to everything else that’s on these shows, it was fun and provided something different for the viewers. Honestly, it’s not a good main event, but more of an acceptable opening or mid card match. This would’ve been better if they did more, but Marquez Productions doesn’t like excitement.
These two episodes really exemplified what is wrong with Championship Wrestling From Hollywood, and how clueless the people in charge are of how to put on good wrestling shows. Let’s look at exactly the things on these shows that highlighted the stupidity of the people producing these show.
First, the re-introduction of the women into this company was a failure. They had some unnamed white girl that got TV time for no fucking reason. Then there was the actual Kahmora vs. Ashley Grace match that was really bad and full of botched spots, and showed that Grace isn’t ready for TV. There’s also the issue of bringing up Raze, who the audience isn’t going to know about, and not having her on either episode of Coastline Clash, and just made for an awkward moment on TV. On top of that, there was the pretentiousness of the commentators who wouldn’t shut the fuck up about women being back in CWFH and that they’re “making history” and trying to present themselves as progressives to appeal to male feminist douche bag fans while taking veiled shots at WWE. That shit was fucking bush league.
Second, CWFOxnard’s production made these shows come off as average episodes of CWFOxnard outside of some lame little “Coastline Clash” graphics. There were no highlight videos recapping the feuds, thus killing whatever chance this company had at creating a big match feel for anything that took place on these episodes. How am I supposed to tell the difference between a match that’s supposed to be a blowoff to a feud when it gets zero fanfare? Guys like Big Duke and Peter Avalon would’ve had their wins mean more if their matches were treated like big deals, but nope. There’s no room for anything special, exciting, or unique in Championship Wrestling From Ventura County. I know Dave Marquez likes old shit, and that’s fine, but he needs to realize that there are certain aspects of the business his views need to evolve in order to appeal to people so that this company can be more than just some promotion that runs tapings in an empty movie theater in Port Hueneme that nobody goes to. A little effort would go a long way in making this promotion not suck ass so much.
Third, let’s talk about the feuds that were built up for some of these matches. The Eli Drake vs. Big Duke feud was built terribly, and neither guy was booked properly in their role. There was no believable heat between both guys, and there was nothing enticing about seeing them wrestle 2 out of 3 falls. I mean, fuck, we saw Eli Drake (the heel) pin Duke (the babyface) cleanly a short while ago after Duke got a questionable victory over Drake. If Eli Drake pinned Duke cleanly and decisively in a match after claiming Duke’s victory over him was a fluke, what’s the point of continuing the feud? The conflict was over after the heel proved his point. Booking Duke to win a 2 out of 3 falls match doesn’t really save him either, as he’s still going to walk out of this feud not only having been beaten cleanly once, but also pinned cleanly in the implied blowoff of this feud.
Now for Avalon vs. fake-Russian douche, this made Peter look weak as a babyface champion and the authority figure characters on this show look like incompetent shitheads for letting the fake-Russian douche attack referees and committing robbery when he took the belt, and then giving him a title shot while letting him bring some fake-Russian Lou Diamond Philips looking friend to pull off more bullshit. The stupidest thing about this angle was at one point, Peter was booked to be afraid of this guy. This dude was supposed to be some super scary badass that helped his bitch ass, no talent, douche bag, crybaby shithead fake-Russian friend win some belt in a shitty company. He was supposed to make everyone in this company so afraid of him that they needed to get Scorpio Sky, a legitimate MMA fighter and Muay Thai competitor, to be a referee. All that shit was cancelled out when Dave Marquez got in the face of fake-Russian Lou Diamond Philips. A guy like Dave should’ve been selling this guy and trembled in fear of him, but instead told him to back off and shit. The only saving grace about this angle was that is teased the possibility of Sky feuding with Peter Avalon, which is something that would help this company if booked right.
Lastly, and most importantly, these shows really highlight how this company badly needs to be modernized and overhauled in order to becoming enticing to fans. Characters like The Hobo, Jervis Cottonbelly, and the fake-Russian douche are all guys who just give off cringe-inducing vibes whenever they appear on TV. Besides the lame characters, matches are extremely bland and have no appeal for fans. All we ever see is shit striking, boring rest holds, and CROWD WORK. Now, I’m not saying CWFPH should be all flips, head drops, and big spots in every match, but the fans need to be given reasons to keep coming back. Nobody wants to see matches where the guys with stupid ass gimmicks spend most of the match doing shit punches and chinlocks for 5 minutes, leading to a finishing move that wouldn’t have even been considered a finisher 20 years ago. The matches need to be more exciting and less predictable. Not only that, but the corny and cartoonish gimmicks need to go, badly. Dumb gimmicks were the downfall of professional wrestling in the 90’s, and they’ll be the downfall of this promotion eventually too. Unless CWFPH wants to keep looking like a weekly hour-long Tim & Eric sketch about a shitty pro wrestling show, it’s gonna be a lame show that nobody watches or cares about.
With a roster with talent like Scorpio Sky, Peter Avalon, Timothy Thatcher, Drew Gulak, Tito Escondido, Kevin Martenson, Reno Scum, Ryan Taylor, and JR Kratos, you could build some solid main events for TV. With guys like Big Duke, Douglas James, Mike Camden, and Danny Limelight on the roster, a solid undercard could be put together that builds those guys up to be the next stars of this promotion. With occasional appearances from guys like Joey Ryan and Rocky Romero, you have workers you can build special matches around for guys like James, Duke, Camden, and Limelight to work with and get them over. This promotion could have something special with the guys they have, as well as ones in the area they could bring in, but instead they waste everyone’s time on these shows by having jobbers with bowler gimmicks, fake-Russians, and poorly booked feuds. A lot of these guys deserve better than this shit.
The only real highlight of these episodes was the 10 man tag match, and even that wasn’t as good as it could’ve been. Hammerstone/Morgan was alright, but Morgan’s offense sorta hurt things. Outside of that, these episodes were the usual Championship Wrestling From Who Gives A Fuck episodes, but with less squash matches. CWFH missed a huge opportunity to create something special with Coastline Clash for the home viewer. Dave should seriously hire me to book this show. I’d make it awesome. Seriously dude. With all that said, I wouldn’t recommend these shows to anyone. If you have time to kill and want to catch something, just watch the last part of the 10 man tag. Everything else is wroth skipping over. LOL@bringing in THE DEEJ.
That’s all I got. If you didn’t like my review, sue me.
Oh, and also, as I mentioned earlier, Vermin needs to be replaced by H.A.T.E as the top heel faction. C’mon Dave, bring in the real Top Guys in SoCal!