Rheinlandzerstörer
03-04-2002, 07:19 PM
AXW. It's Absolutely Xtreme. What more do you need to know? Luckily this show was held at Schooner's Bar Grille, so beer was kept flowing freely through the afternoon. I needed every drop.
(As a side note, every one of the "homegrown" AXW matches had some sort of stipulation. The announcer obviously had some sort of reading problem, and often times look disinterested in announcing the next match, which, going by the job title, appears to be his ONLY FUCKING JOB!)
Before the show starts, Mr. Morales (or Mr. Marquez, depending on which time you heard the announcer say it,) comes to the ring and says he's the commissioner of AXW, and something about 8 months, and how someone needs to challenge him for commisionershiphoodness. So from the crowd comes Luigi, the toughest 15 year old ever to walk out of Hot Topic. He mumbles something into the mic, and in the process drops his walking stick, breaking the illusion of him being a cripple (physically speaking.) Anyhow, through a painfully long contract singing, Luigi invites BLT to come down to the ring, and it is BLT! Not Luigi! That is challenged Mr. Marquezales for the job. Through out the interview, they smile at each other, in an effort to fool the "smarks," making us think they're all in cahoots, and throuroughly swerving us. But it turned out to be their inexperience on the mic, and the fact that their high school sweeties were in the crowd.
1. 2LPGA Double Rookie Debut Challenge Match - Chainsaw d. (?) Image
Well, this may have been the best of the homegrown AXW matches, which is pretty shitty if it's these guy's first matches. Chainsaw comes out to Limp Bizkit's "Chainsaw." How darling. They start off with some basic mat work, working upto a standard back and forth of moves. This was all going well untill Shiny Shirt guy comes from the crowd and attacks Image (Image had a decent resemblance to The Rock, but did none of his moves. However, Shiny Shirt Guy, who was white with spiked hair, did all of the rock's moves, and a surprisingly decent Hawaiian Crush.) Inexplicably, SSG does his attacking, jaws with the crowd off the microphone, and leaves. Was it possibly a fan who ran into the ring, or just another member of the Hot Topic Familia? Only time, and the next AXW show will tell.
2. I'm a little hazy as to what match took place here. I distinctly remember Me vs. A Pint of Beer, but outside of that, not too much. I think it was Mr. Moralezquez vs. BLT, and f so, it ended with a table propped up in the corner, and someone trying to be suplexed into it, with the table of death no breaking, so BLT did a spear of sorts and then pinned the other guy. I went to the bathroom 3 times during this match. BLT wins, and a new era dawns on AXW. w00t.
3. Spyder d. Lonnie Hill's look alike. Submission or knock outs only match.
No offense meant to Lonnie or anything, but this guy looked like a shorter version of him. They started with the Red Low Ki are Van Damme Bolo Yeung are Jackie Chan Chinese Stuntmen "Kick dodge kick dodge kick doge jump dodge kick" spot, but it was in slow motion. Didn't come off so hot. All sorts of confusing shit took place, including Me vs. a Pint of Beer rematch. Spider took some chair shots, and Lonnie Jr. took a whole ton of crazy chair shit to his face, including dominating the match for 78 minutes, only to have Spyder come back with the Van Daminator. Silly Lonnie Jr.! HE WAS ONLY PLAYING POSSUM! NO! DON'T HOLD THE CHAIR IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE! CHRIST! Spyder wins with a nifty submission that needs a better setup. Kinda like a sitting version of Dragon's "I *heart* Lucha" Anchor.
A 25 minute intermission took place, giving me more time to enjoy the bathroom and arcade facilities offered by Schooners. Their Time Crisis 2 second player pedal is broken, so caveat emptor.
4. Fat Guy d. Ray. This was billed as a "FTW" match. Ray, aka/bka Linkin Park, another member of the Hot Topic Familia, and terror of the Antelope Valley Mall, as seen from the CA-14 on your way to Lancaster. This honestly was match of the night, but not for the right reasons at all. The in ring work was atrocious. Beyond bad. BUT, the finish was so oustandingly stellar, it was Hiroshima-Nagasaki. Fat Guy picked up Ray (not Ray Jay Johnson. "You can call him Ray, you can call him Jay!") and went to deliver a running powerbomb to a table propped up in the corner. First time didn't go so well, as Ray's head bounced off the table, and it just slid closer to the corner. Fat Guy then picks up Ray for a second powerbomb, this time with Ray clutching his head because last time hurt, bouncing off the table once again, and Ray letting the F-Bombs fly. Third time's a charm. Fat Guy hefts Ray for the powerbomb, but was pretty tired at this point, and so as he's running to the corner, Ra! y starts to dip down from a powerbomb to more of a face first Oklahoma Stampeede into the now vertical table in the corner. Lucky for Ray that he had a protruding proboscis, cos the only thing that broke the table was his face, and the force of his head being bent backwards as the rest of his body crashed into it. TRILLIONS UPON TRILLIONS OF STARS! Ray get's pretty liberal with the F-Bombs here, because he knows the match isn't over!! Mr. Morales (not the gang leader from Oz,) comes out and pounds the shit out of Ray, then Fat Guy hits Massaro's Pink Poodle Pandemonium Driver, completely unprotected, to put away Ray. Myself, I was hoping Ray would kick out, but it was not to be. Post match, I'm heading to the bathroom and see Ray laying face down in the not quite backstage area. I hope he died in his sleep last night.
5. C-4 d. Shiryu 3/Mongolian Stomper 2/Mike Odd #1 . 4 corners of Doom and Despair match.
As this point, I was trying to piss the beer out of my system for the drive home coming in a matter of minutes. This is where I witnessed the aforementioned Ray in pain incdient. Some shit happened, I really didn't pay attention, C-4 Beat the Stomper with a superkick, and Mike Odd had the Stomper join the AXW NWO.
6. TARO/Buddy George/Fire d. Disco Machine/American Wild Child/Lady Victoria.
The announcer called AWC "American Badass," and Disco Machine "Disco Magic." Was still a big tipsy from all of my consumption, so I kept shouting for "Disco Magnet" to save the match, which despite his abilities, did not happen. Fire could've literally took a shit in the middle of the ring and looked better. She looks, by leaps and bounds, like the person on the show with the last training. Buddy didn't look to competant, either, getting quite lost at times, more interested in playing to the crowd than actually wrestling. His gimmick as a redneck piece of shit was well received in Lancaster. Go figure. Gonna watch me some NECKCAR and go to a Wrasslin' show! Disco, TARO, AWC, and Victoria tried their hardest, but this match was damned from the start.
7. Super Dragon d. Rising Son via Psycho Driver. Not your typical SD/RS match. Both had to adjust because of the hardcore American crowd, complete with little kids standing on the stripper stage shouting "WHAT?" and "You suck, you big pussy!" and "Fuck you!" At one point, Rising Son had Dragon in position for a German Suplex, and one of the kids on the stripper pole behind them goes "You suck, Dragon!," to which Dragon instantly turns back and replies "FUCK YOU!," then proceeds to elbow Rising Son and escape the hold. Classic shit. Funnier than anything Spanky & Favi have ever done, COMBINED! If you couldn't tell, story of the match was Dragon as ultra asshole heel, and Rising Son playing up his usual babyface in peril role. Solid work by both guys, everything was crisp and clean, and it did send the fans home happy.
If a tape ever becomes available, buy it for this match, and Ray's face first deathbomb into the table. So, so good.
Karlheinz Jansen
(As a side note, every one of the "homegrown" AXW matches had some sort of stipulation. The announcer obviously had some sort of reading problem, and often times look disinterested in announcing the next match, which, going by the job title, appears to be his ONLY FUCKING JOB!)
Before the show starts, Mr. Morales (or Mr. Marquez, depending on which time you heard the announcer say it,) comes to the ring and says he's the commissioner of AXW, and something about 8 months, and how someone needs to challenge him for commisionershiphoodness. So from the crowd comes Luigi, the toughest 15 year old ever to walk out of Hot Topic. He mumbles something into the mic, and in the process drops his walking stick, breaking the illusion of him being a cripple (physically speaking.) Anyhow, through a painfully long contract singing, Luigi invites BLT to come down to the ring, and it is BLT! Not Luigi! That is challenged Mr. Marquezales for the job. Through out the interview, they smile at each other, in an effort to fool the "smarks," making us think they're all in cahoots, and throuroughly swerving us. But it turned out to be their inexperience on the mic, and the fact that their high school sweeties were in the crowd.
1. 2LPGA Double Rookie Debut Challenge Match - Chainsaw d. (?) Image
Well, this may have been the best of the homegrown AXW matches, which is pretty shitty if it's these guy's first matches. Chainsaw comes out to Limp Bizkit's "Chainsaw." How darling. They start off with some basic mat work, working upto a standard back and forth of moves. This was all going well untill Shiny Shirt guy comes from the crowd and attacks Image (Image had a decent resemblance to The Rock, but did none of his moves. However, Shiny Shirt Guy, who was white with spiked hair, did all of the rock's moves, and a surprisingly decent Hawaiian Crush.) Inexplicably, SSG does his attacking, jaws with the crowd off the microphone, and leaves. Was it possibly a fan who ran into the ring, or just another member of the Hot Topic Familia? Only time, and the next AXW show will tell.
2. I'm a little hazy as to what match took place here. I distinctly remember Me vs. A Pint of Beer, but outside of that, not too much. I think it was Mr. Moralezquez vs. BLT, and f so, it ended with a table propped up in the corner, and someone trying to be suplexed into it, with the table of death no breaking, so BLT did a spear of sorts and then pinned the other guy. I went to the bathroom 3 times during this match. BLT wins, and a new era dawns on AXW. w00t.
3. Spyder d. Lonnie Hill's look alike. Submission or knock outs only match.
No offense meant to Lonnie or anything, but this guy looked like a shorter version of him. They started with the Red Low Ki are Van Damme Bolo Yeung are Jackie Chan Chinese Stuntmen "Kick dodge kick dodge kick doge jump dodge kick" spot, but it was in slow motion. Didn't come off so hot. All sorts of confusing shit took place, including Me vs. a Pint of Beer rematch. Spider took some chair shots, and Lonnie Jr. took a whole ton of crazy chair shit to his face, including dominating the match for 78 minutes, only to have Spyder come back with the Van Daminator. Silly Lonnie Jr.! HE WAS ONLY PLAYING POSSUM! NO! DON'T HOLD THE CHAIR IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE! CHRIST! Spyder wins with a nifty submission that needs a better setup. Kinda like a sitting version of Dragon's "I *heart* Lucha" Anchor.
A 25 minute intermission took place, giving me more time to enjoy the bathroom and arcade facilities offered by Schooners. Their Time Crisis 2 second player pedal is broken, so caveat emptor.
4. Fat Guy d. Ray. This was billed as a "FTW" match. Ray, aka/bka Linkin Park, another member of the Hot Topic Familia, and terror of the Antelope Valley Mall, as seen from the CA-14 on your way to Lancaster. This honestly was match of the night, but not for the right reasons at all. The in ring work was atrocious. Beyond bad. BUT, the finish was so oustandingly stellar, it was Hiroshima-Nagasaki. Fat Guy picked up Ray (not Ray Jay Johnson. "You can call him Ray, you can call him Jay!") and went to deliver a running powerbomb to a table propped up in the corner. First time didn't go so well, as Ray's head bounced off the table, and it just slid closer to the corner. Fat Guy then picks up Ray for a second powerbomb, this time with Ray clutching his head because last time hurt, bouncing off the table once again, and Ray letting the F-Bombs fly. Third time's a charm. Fat Guy hefts Ray for the powerbomb, but was pretty tired at this point, and so as he's running to the corner, Ra! y starts to dip down from a powerbomb to more of a face first Oklahoma Stampeede into the now vertical table in the corner. Lucky for Ray that he had a protruding proboscis, cos the only thing that broke the table was his face, and the force of his head being bent backwards as the rest of his body crashed into it. TRILLIONS UPON TRILLIONS OF STARS! Ray get's pretty liberal with the F-Bombs here, because he knows the match isn't over!! Mr. Morales (not the gang leader from Oz,) comes out and pounds the shit out of Ray, then Fat Guy hits Massaro's Pink Poodle Pandemonium Driver, completely unprotected, to put away Ray. Myself, I was hoping Ray would kick out, but it was not to be. Post match, I'm heading to the bathroom and see Ray laying face down in the not quite backstage area. I hope he died in his sleep last night.
5. C-4 d. Shiryu 3/Mongolian Stomper 2/Mike Odd #1 . 4 corners of Doom and Despair match.
As this point, I was trying to piss the beer out of my system for the drive home coming in a matter of minutes. This is where I witnessed the aforementioned Ray in pain incdient. Some shit happened, I really didn't pay attention, C-4 Beat the Stomper with a superkick, and Mike Odd had the Stomper join the AXW NWO.
6. TARO/Buddy George/Fire d. Disco Machine/American Wild Child/Lady Victoria.
The announcer called AWC "American Badass," and Disco Machine "Disco Magic." Was still a big tipsy from all of my consumption, so I kept shouting for "Disco Magnet" to save the match, which despite his abilities, did not happen. Fire could've literally took a shit in the middle of the ring and looked better. She looks, by leaps and bounds, like the person on the show with the last training. Buddy didn't look to competant, either, getting quite lost at times, more interested in playing to the crowd than actually wrestling. His gimmick as a redneck piece of shit was well received in Lancaster. Go figure. Gonna watch me some NECKCAR and go to a Wrasslin' show! Disco, TARO, AWC, and Victoria tried their hardest, but this match was damned from the start.
7. Super Dragon d. Rising Son via Psycho Driver. Not your typical SD/RS match. Both had to adjust because of the hardcore American crowd, complete with little kids standing on the stripper stage shouting "WHAT?" and "You suck, you big pussy!" and "Fuck you!" At one point, Rising Son had Dragon in position for a German Suplex, and one of the kids on the stripper pole behind them goes "You suck, Dragon!," to which Dragon instantly turns back and replies "FUCK YOU!," then proceeds to elbow Rising Son and escape the hold. Classic shit. Funnier than anything Spanky & Favi have ever done, COMBINED! If you couldn't tell, story of the match was Dragon as ultra asshole heel, and Rising Son playing up his usual babyface in peril role. Solid work by both guys, everything was crisp and clean, and it did send the fans home happy.
If a tape ever becomes available, buy it for this match, and Ray's face first deathbomb into the table. So, so good.
Karlheinz Jansen